I'm going to jail i love you
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
