I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
