when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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