Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
