i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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