Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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