You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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