Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
