let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
