i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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