Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
