I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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