things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
