he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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