Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
