I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
