Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
