i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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