just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
