I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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