I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
