I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
