you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
