Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
porn star boner night. come get it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
