On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
