So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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