we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
