What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
