If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
