my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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