there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
