Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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