Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
