when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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