normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
