ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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