im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize