you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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