I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
