You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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