You can't special order awesome
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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