Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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