I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
