I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
