haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
