I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
