I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
