I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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