she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
