just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Randomize
