I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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