my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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