Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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