I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
