i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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