So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
