Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
