I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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