she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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